The Worst Journey Ever!
by Kermy
Summary: Written by Amy25 and Kermy. Extremely funny story about the Fellowship. You'll never think of LOTR the same! Read and Review! Please!
1. The Death of a Manipulative Bastard

The Worst Journey Ever!  
  
by Amy25 and Kermy  
  
One day, the fellowship was walking in the woods. They were all tired and disgruntled from their long journey from Rivendell.   
  
"Gimli! You stupid hairy midget!" yelled Boromir. "How many times do I have to tell you? Don't touch my horn of Gondor!"  
  
"I just can't help myself" answered Gimli mindlessly. "It's so beautiful!"   
  
"Can't everyone just get along?" said Legolas, and stroked his long blond hair.  
  
"Legolas is right." Aragorn chimed in, "We still have a long way to go and I desperately need a bath, but won't get one until the third movie!"  
  
"I'm hungry," said Pippin. "Gimli, give me that leftover chicken stuck in your beard."  
  
"Sure laddy, why not?" Gimli rummaged through his beard and presented him with the chicken leg.  
  
"That is disgusting," said Merry. "Can I have a bite?"  
  
"Would everyone just shut up! This is the worst journey ever!" nagged Gandalf pounding his stick on the ground. "Gimli has rotting carcasses in his beard, Aragorn is five shades darker because of all the dirt, Boromir won't stop griping about his dumb horn, Merry and Pippin are EATING rotting carcasses, who knows where Frodo and Sam are! And worst of all we're lost in these damn woods!"  
  
"Well, at least I'm still beautiful," said Legolas. Everyone nodded in agreement.  
  
Meanwhile, Frodo and his faithful 'companion', Sam Gamgee, were lagging behind the rest of the group.  
  
"Oh Mr. Frodo, that sword is very slimming on you," complemented Sam, with a sparkle in his eye.  
  
"Why thank you, Sam. I guess," replied Frodo, speeding up his pace to catch up with the rest of The Fellowship.  
  
"What's your hurry?" asked Sam, matching his pace to Frodo's. "I thought we were bonding."  
  
They eventually caught up to the rest of the group who were still at a dead end.  
  
"I don't feel so good," said Pippin, clutching his stomach.  
  
"Maybe it's the decrepit chicken decaying in your stomach, Pip," Merry suggested.  
  
"That might be it," said Pippin.  
  
"Idiots," muttered Gandalf.  
  
Suddenly, Legolas angelic ears perked up, "My elf senses are tingling."  
  
"Dude, we really don't need to know that," said Boromir.  
  
"What's wrong?" asked Aragorn with concern.  
  
"I hear a familiar voice. Harsh words. Evil," Legolas replied, disturbed.  
  
Legolas jolted off into the brush in front of them, and the group followed.  
  
As they ran toward the commotion, they heard a angry yell, "Die you crazy-eyebrowed, manipulative bastard!" followed by a high pitched shriek.   
  
They reached the victim a few minutes later. The killer had already fled the scene. The dead body was laying face down in the dirt. They were all  
  
stunned.  
  
Aragorn was the first to approach the freshly murdered body. He knelt down beside it, and discovered that it was an elf. Aragorn turned him over slowly only to reveal...  
  
"Lord Elrond!" Aragorn said as his face twisted in horror.   
  
The whole group gasped in dismay at the identity of the person and the message that was written with a black Sharpie across his forehead.   
  
"Who could do such a thing?!" said Frodo.   
  
The message read: 'I am a controlling, repressive he-bitch. Spit on me.'  
  
Boromir shrugs, and obeys.   
  
"Oh, my God, Boromir," said Gandalf. "It's not supposed to me taken literally, you dipshit."  
  
Boromir plays it off, "Oh, I knew that. Uh, yeah."  
  
"What are we supposed to do with him?" asked Sam.  
  
"I don't care, as long as it doesn't involve messing my gorgeous hair up," said Legolas. The others nodded in agreement.  
  
"Let's eat him!" said Merry. "What do you say to that, Pip?"  
  
Dr. Evil walks out from behind a tree. "How bout no, you crazy Dutch bastard!"  
  
"I'm not Dutch," said Pippin. "I'm Scottish."  
  
"Shit," Dr. Evil wanders back into the forest.  
  
"That was bizarre," said Gimli.  
  
"Excuse me, you dirty hairball," commented Boromir. "You don't have any room to talk, Mr. I-Eat-Old-Decaying-Food-That's-Buried-In-My-Beard."   
  
Gandalf emitted a loud sigh and said, "Let's just leave him here! We don't have time for this bullshit. Aragorn needs a bath pronto. He is really starting to reek. Merry and Pippin are resorting to cannibalism, and I swear that Boromir just has down-syndrome."  
  
They were about leave when Aragorn spotted something white an shiny next to the body. "Oh look, an incredibly gaudy pendant. I wonder how that got there." He picked it up and put it around his neck. The group finally continue the long journey that would bring them all to death. Oh wait, I'm not supposed to tell you that yet!  
  
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Okay, that's the first chapter! Many more to come! Review!!!!!!! 


	2. Killers, Depends, and Fern Fantasy

Chapter 2 By: Amy25 and Kermy  
  
I forgot, we don't own anything, unfortunatly. We live in a cardboard box on the side of the road. People sometimes spit on us. Have pity on us and review!  
  
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Anyway, the night was approaching and Gandalf desperately needed to change his Depends, so they called it a night.   
  
As they were setting up camp, Aragorn announced he was going to attempt to bathe in the river. While exiting the vicinity, he heard a burst of applause. He shrugged and went down to the riverside.   
  
They finished their applause and went back to setting up camp. Sam was busying himself preparing the supper.   
  
"What's on the menu tonight young Samwise?" questioned Gimli.   
  
"Po-tay-toes." replied Sam.  
  
"And a side order of rotten beard food, right Gamgee?" said Gimli bursting into manic laughter. Everyone stared.  
  
"Ew." said Sam, going back to stewing his taters.   
  
Legolas was sitting on soft leaves on the woodland floor admiring himself in a puddle of water and tying and retying his green leather boots.   
  
While all this was happening, an innocent chipmunk scurried up to Frodo with an acorn and big googly eyes.  
  
"What a cute little creature!" swooned Frodo. He reached out to pet it, but before he could Sam stomped all over the chipmunk and cried, "I'll save you Mista Frodo!"  
  
The acorn rolled out from under his huge, hairy foot, and Frodo began to cry.  
  
Merry and Pippin saw the incident and rushed over.  
  
"I get the chipmunk, you can have the acorn, Merry," Pippin declared.  
  
"Yummy!" Merry exclaimed.  
  
Sam pulled the annihilated woodland creature from his bare foot, gave it to Pippin, and went back to his cooking.  
  
Meanwhile, Aragorn neared the water's edge. As he was about to enter the cool refreshing water, he spotted a dark figure in the distance and decided to investigate. When he got pretty close to the individual, Aragorn saw that she had her hands submerged in the river frantically scrubbing.  
  
"Damn permanent marker!" she muttered furiously.  
  
"Arwen, is that you?" asked Aragorn. "What are you doing here?"  
  
Arwen spun around and quickly hid her hands behind her back. "Um... just washing up."  
  
"Oh, okay. I guess I'll see you later," Aragorn turned to leave.  
  
Arwen gave a huge sigh of relief.  
  
Aragorn stopped abruptly. "I almost forgot, isn't this your pendant?" He turned to face her.  
  
"Ack!" Arwen tackled him to the ground, snatching the incredibly gaudy pendant from his neck and tossing it into the river.  
  
"What was that for?" asked Aragorn confused.  
  
"Oh, just destroying the evidence. I mean, I just love you so much!" she replied and threw her arms around his greasy neck. She shivered in disgust.   
  
"Oh, okay, baby." said Aragorn delighted.  
  
Arwen quickly ended the embrace between them and rode off on her horse into the sunset.  
  
"Bye my love!" yelled Aragorn unsuspectingly.  
  
He walked into the woods love-struck and returned to camp even dirtier from the tackle.  
  
Legolas was scouting the premises when spots out Aragorn. Legolas walked toward him resisting the urge to shoot the filthy man with an arrow. He decided not to, and just gave Aragorn the famous sexy Elven pout. "I thought you were going to take a bath my friend," he said, keeping a safe distance away from the stench.   
  
"No, not tonight, Lego. I ran into Arwen down at the ravine. She is so amazing. She makes me feel as if I could fly. My heart is bursting with love for that magnificent elf. I would die a thousand deaths for her and give her the stars if I could. She completes me." replied Aragorn as he stared off into space.  
  
"Riiiiiiight. So, no bath then?" asked Legolas.  
  
Aragorn came back from his wondering and managed to get out, "No."  
  
They walked back to camp in silence and with Legolas pinching his nose to keep the foul smell out of his undefiled lungs.  
  
Back at camp, Gandalf was entertaining himself and the hobbits by hitting Boromir repeatedly on the back of his head with his staff. Boromir didn't seem to notice, but looked around every once in a while, saying aloud, "Where is that coming from?" They stared, pointed, and laughed in delight at the poor excuse for a grown man.   
  
Legolas entered the camp grounds with Aragorn who was still dazed. Everyone turned at the smell of wildflowers and crap, which is obviously not a good combination. The Fellowship's faces fell when they learned that he was still unsanitary.   
  
"I thought you were going to de-grime yourself in the river?" asked Frodo.  
  
"Sorry, little halfling. Maybe next movie," Aragorn said.  
  
They all gave up on him and resorted to eating Sam's 'po-tay-toes'. Gimli skipped out on the fresh food and ate his "special left-overs". Then it was time for bed.  
  
Sam slept right next to Frodo ready to pounce on any potential threat. Merry and Pippin had already fallen asleep from exhaustion from constantly stuffing their faces. Gandalf continued to pound Boromir on the head until he got bored and fell asleep. Aragorn eventually dozed off only to dream about Arwen.  
  
Legolas saw this as an opportunity. He took out his Ralph Lauren Fern Fantasy cologne which was his favorite, but the strongest stuff he had with him. He sneaked his flawless self over to where Aragorn was sleeping.  
  
Before he could spray him with the sweet smelling fragrance, his task was interrupted by Gandalf who woke up to change his Depends and was attracted to Legolas's hair like a moth to the flame. It was gleaming in the light of the full moon. He walked over to the immaculate elf and the man.  
  
(A/N- Take out the part about the Depends, and the last two paragraphs could be from a gay romance fanfic...hehehe)  
  
Gandalf quickly picked up on Lego's plan and gave him two thumbs up. He went back to his prior engagement of changing his adult diaper...right next to a sleeping Gimli.  
  
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That's disgusting, isn't it? I hope you liked it. Now review! Or Gandalf will smack you with his stick. More funniness in the 3rd chapter... 


	3. The Cleaning of a King and Crap

Chapter 3  
  
Still by Amy25 and Kermy. We still live in a box and own nothing. Except for a slinky I found in the gutter. People still spit on us. Donations are welcome, but reviews are preferred.   
  
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The next morning, The Fellowship awoke with the rising sun. The hobbits were the first to notice the suffocating odor.  
  
"What is that God-awful stench?!" Merry managed to say while gagging.  
  
"I've actually lost my appetite!" groaned Pippin "Now what do we do?"  
  
Merry's eyes widen, "I don't know Pip. I just don't know."  
  
Gandalf took a big whiff of it and proceeded to hurl...on Gimli. Gandalf didn't care much as Gimli jumped off the cliff (Ya, a cliff in the forest...you got a problem with that?) into the river below.   
  
Boromir started laughing at the sight, and Gandalf smacked him upside the head with his cane just because he could.  
  
"What *is* that?!" Boromir demanded whipping his head around.  
  
Gandalf looked up and whistled innocently.  
  
"It smells like decaying compost," said Frodo.  
  
"That...and crap," added Sam.  
  
Gandalf remembered what happened the night before and realized what it was.  
  
Aragorn stepped out of the tent and the gang was hit with an overwhelming stink.  
  
Legolas couldn't bear the thought (or the smell) of his favorite fragrance being wasted resulting in the horrid mixture of perfection and, you guessed it...crap.  
  
"I can't take it anymore!" cried Boromir. He picked Aragorn up over his head and chunked him off the cliff into the ravine.  
  
"Ahhhhhhh, dumb mother-" SPLASH.  
  
The whole group sighed, but a single, silent tear fell down Legolas's exquisite cheek as he mourned his empty bottle of Fern Fantasy by Ralph Lauren. It was as empty as his heart felt. 'All for nothing', he thought. (A/N- How angsty! lol! )  
  
The remaining members of the Fellowship peeked over the side of the cliff to make sure that he was okay. They waited for him to emerge from the water, but he never did. They all panicked and ran down to rescue him.  
  
Finally, they arrived at bank to see Gimli washed up, not breathing. One by one, they all rushed past him to save the Future King of Gondor. Down the river, they found Aragorn marveling at the cleanliness of his skin.  
  
"I look 20 years younger! Wow! Thanks river water!" he proclaimed.   
  
"Yes, my friend, you do look great," complemented Legolas. "The dirt that once corrupted your kingly face is now gone."  
  
"And you don't reek anymore either!" added Pippin.  
  
Everyone laughed in that electronic sit-com kind of a way.  
  
Gandalf sighed in relief and said, "Now that we're all together again, we can finally continue on our long and arduous journey."  
  
"And my hair is still a portrait of perfection," said Legolas.  
  
Everyone nodded in agreement.  
  
So they traveled on towards their perilous destination of Mordor. After about four or five hours of walking, Sam noticed, "Hey, where's Gimli?"  
  
"Oh, I think I saw him somewhere by the river er something," suggested Aragorn.  
  
Gandalf stopped dead in his tracks in alarm. Then he thought about it and shrugged. "Eh, screw him."  
  
They continued on.  
  
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Review! Review my children... or people... whatever... More to come in later chapters. Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! 


	4. Psychopaths and Rings Don't Mix

Chapter 4  
  
By Amy25 and Kermy.   
  
Good news...we found a bigger box! I think it's a refrigerator box. But we still own nothing. Bad news... I lost my slinky. :sob: I think that stray cat stole it. Damn you smelly cat! Um, anyway...  
  
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With Gandalf as their leader, The Fellowship traveled extremely slowly. I mean geez, the guy is like 200 years old! He's has to make a pit-stop for his Depends at a Middle Earth McDonald's.  
  
Boromir wasn't helping. He was restless and starting to loose his mind.   
  
"Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" screamed Boromir giddily as he flung his arms up in the air waving them, and skipped in circles around the Fellowship.  
  
Legolas was on his last nerve.  
  
"Please, Aragorn, just one arrow! That's all I want! Right in the ass. That will shut him up, my friend." said Legolas desperately, gripping his bow tightly.  
  
Aragorn held up his hand, "No, my friend, be patient. He will die soon enough. At the end of this movie, in fact."  
  
Legolas nodded knowingly.  
  
Gandalf came out of the bathroom, and they moved on.  
  
"I'm hungry," complained Merry.  
  
"I miss Gimli's beard food," declared Pippin.  
  
Sam frowned in disgust, "That's just nasty." Then he checked out Frodo's ass. Sam catches up with *his* Mr. Frodo.   
  
"Whatever you say, Sam," said Pippin, rolling his eyes.  
  
"Hullo!" greeted Sam.  
  
"Oh, hi Sam. How are you doing today?"  
  
"Great, Mr. Frodo! Just fabulous! Absolutely fantastic!"  
  
"That's nice, Sam," Frodo said as he looked around awkwardly.  
  
Boromir had settled down a little, but he was still loosing it. He had somehow managed to slip the One Ring from Frodo's pocket. He left the trail and the others to proclaim to all the woodland creatures, "It is a gift!" He spun around so all the animals could see.   
  
As he was displaying the One Ring to random things in the woods, a bird swooped down and snatched the Ring from his hand.  
  
Boromir stood there stunned for a second and looked around to see if anyone saw.   
  
"Oh, shit. I'd better join the rest of the group," Boromir told a caterpillar on a leaf and scurried back to the Fellowship which was now pointless, but only he (and the caterpillar) knew that.  
  
Legolas and Aragorn were walking last in the line. Legolas had finally gotten rid of Boromir, but now his friend, Aragorn, wouldn't shut up.  
  
"You know Legolas, this whole being clean thing is vastly overrated. Without my thick layer of dirt and grime, I'm much more vulnerable to insects." He slapped at a mosquito. "But for once, my friend, I smell better than they do. Ha ha!"   
  
Legolas just rolled his eyes and said, "Well, I hope your happy. I used my whole bottle of Fern Fantasy (sniff) on you, my friend. Bah!"  
  
"What the hell? Bah?" asked Aragorn.  
  
"For you information, it's *Elvish*, okay!" yelled Legolas on the verge of tears and ran swiftly to walk with Gandalf.  
  
"Whatever...my friend," muttered Aragorn.  
  
All of a sudden, the face of a deranged psychopath popped out a nearby bush.  
  
"Peek-A-Boooooooooooo!" yelled Boromir.  
  
"Ack!" said Aragorn in terror, falling over backwards. "Stay away! I have a sword!" He takes it out and waves it wildly.  
  
"You control the fates of us all, little one," said Boromir insanely to Aragorn, climbing out of the bush.  
  
"Dammit Boromir, it's just you!" exclaimed Aragorn angrily, standing and dusting himself off.  
  
"Let me bathe you!" demanded Boromir with a crazed look in his eye.  
  
"Ummmm...maybe later," said Aragorn, then sprinted back to the group.  
  
The Fellowship was finally at the wood's edge. Gandalf lead them out, each of them secretly hoping that the journey would take a turn for the better. Except for Boromir who was now talking in gibberish.   
  
Frodo looked around at the new scenery. "Now what?"  
  
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Review, blah blah BAH... it's Elvish, okay?! It means review. Ha ha! 


	5. Gibberish, Surprises, and Friggin' Squir...

Chapter 5  
  
By Amy25 and Kermy.   
  
Our box broke sadly the other night when it rained. Cardboard isn't that sturdy. :( We killed that darn cat that took our slinky. We're so clever! The cat is dead, but still no slinky. On the plus side, we wrote another chapter! Here you go...  
  
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"This is quite a predicament. Which path shall we choose, Gandalf?" Merry asked.  
  
"How should I know?" said Gandalf. "Go eat something."  
  
"Good idea," said Pippin as they run off in search of nourishment.  
  
The whole gang was arguing the matter when Gandalf finally said, "Let the Ringbearer decide!"  
  
Boromir snickered in the background.  
  
"What's so funny, Boromir?" questioned Legolas.  
  
"Ooguli booguli wa!" he answered cross-eyed.  
  
"Oh."  
  
"Anyway," Gandalf continued, turning to Frodo, "what path shall we take?"  
  
"We shall go through the mines," Frodo concluded.  
  
"Nah," said Gandalf. "I'm not exactly in a mine kind of mood. You know, death, destruction, Orcs...not my thing."  
  
Sam pointed out a sign that says 'Safe passage for Fellowship this way.' "How bout that a-way?" he suggested.  
  
"Oh, perfect!" cried Aragorn leading the way.  
  
"Putalla maddoo," warned Boromir.  
  
"I agree, Boromir. It could be a trap," said Frodo reluctantly.  
  
"What could possibly go wrong?" stated Aragorn already walking down the  
  
path.  
  
They all followed, one by one.  
  
Boromir was in the very back, of course, saying random gibberish phrases. Mushoono!" he yelled as he picked up Frodo and carried him off with Sam running as fast as he could after them.   
  
"Come back, bitch!" demanded Sam, "Put him down!"  
  
Meanwhile, Frodo was petrified, "Save me, Sam! Save me!"  
  
Sam got close enough to tackle his calves and make the 200 pound man fall, dropping Frodo in the dirt.  
  
Boromir had hit his head on a rock and knocked himself unconscious, so he didn't get up.  
  
Sam hurried over to Frodo's side. "Are you okay? Do you need mouth-to-mouth? I'll do it!" he said grabbing Frodo's shoulder.  
  
"I'm sure you would, Sam, but I can breathe."  
  
Sam helped Frodo up, thoroughly disappointed. They headed back to the group leaving Boromir cold and unmoving. No one noticed there previous absence as they quietly rejoined the others at the back of the line.   
  
Legolas ran up to the front of the line where Gandalf and Aragorn were now leading.  
  
"My elf senses are tingling again!" said Legolas with a surprised look on his face.  
  
"Ewww! That's gross, my friend," stated Aragorn.  
  
"Oh, grow up!" said Gandalf. "What is it, Lego?"  
  
All of a sudden Gimli flew out a tree and yelling, "Nobody tosses a dwarf!" He landed on Gandalf.  
  
"Oh, I mean, you left me to die, you bastards! I was recessitated by a squirrel! A FRIGGIN' SQUIRREL!" yelled Gimli.  
  
"Oops, I crapped my pants! Dammit Gimli, you stupid shit! Get off me so I can change my Depends...again!" said Gandalf pushing off the fat dwarf.  
  
"Aw Hell! Everything on this stupid journey is going wrong! And where is that lunatic, Boromir?!" snapped Aragorn.  
  
"At least my hair is still shiny and smooth!" Legolas reminded.  
  
They all nodded in agreement, even Gimli.  
  
Merry and Pippin were frustrated because they didn't find anything edible on their pilgrimage so they resorted to gnawing on sticks.  
  
"I sure wish we had more than sticks to eat, Pip!" said Merry.  
  
"I haven't had meat in days. Well, not unless you count that chipmunk," replied Pippin. "Splinter!"  
  
Legolas heard their little conversation and chimed in, "Do you want me to take my Elven-made bow and use my perfect aim to kill that bird for you?"  
  
"Hell yeah!" answered Merry with enthusiasm.  
  
Legolas killed the bird flawlessly with his heightened skills, and Sam retrieved it. He quickly ripped the feathers off with a sick glint in his eye and an evil laugh, then cooked it in his trusty frying pan.  
  
After it was done, Sam cut the bird open and discovered...  
  
"Hey Mista Frodo, come take a look at this!" called Sam.  
  
"What is it, Sam?" Frodo asked in immediate concern. "Wait a minute."  
  
Frodo patted all his pockets looking for something.  
  
"Is that?..." asked Sam.  
  
  
  
"Yes, it is! And I bet I know who did it!" exclaimed Frodo.  
  
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Hmmm.... What could it be and who could have done it? Find out in Chapter 6! REVIEW! 


	6. Embarrassment and Misunderstandings

Chapter 6  
  
By Amy25 and Kermy  
  
We found a dollar and went to McDonald's. We shared a small fry. God bless the dollar menu. But besides memories of a tasty meal, we own nothing else. Not even a slinky... :( Anyway, Yay! Another chapter!  
  
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Frodo picked up the One Ring from the cooked bird's stomach. "Boromir! It was him! I thought it was Sam feeling all over me that night, but I guess not. He must have taken it out of my pocket!"  
  
"He touched you! I'll kill him! Just wait until he wakes up! I'll kill him!" said Sam furiously.  
  
"Well, how did it get into a bird's stomach?" Legolas asked making the sexy Legolas confused look.   
  
"You know Boromir and his crazy ways!" said Frodo waving his hands in the air.  
  
"We have it back now so who cares?" commented Aragorn.   
  
"Just keep it safer next time, Frodo," commanded Gandalf.  
  
"Don't worry about that Mr. Gandalf. I won't take my eyes off of him." Sam assured him.  
  
"Oh, I know you won't, Gamgee!" said Gimli, bursting into manic laughter.   
  
Everyone stared blankly.  
  
"Okaaaaaay," said Sam raising his eyebrows.  
  
"So where is Boromir anyway?" wondered aloud Pippin through a mouth full of bird   
  
meat.  
  
"Oh, we left him unconscious a while back. He'll find his way...eventually," Frodo informed.  
  
"For his sake, he'd better not! I'll kill him! Kill him I tell ya! Argh!" said Sam gritting his teeth.  
  
Day had turned to night so they all settled down.  
  
Legolas was sharing his lembas bread with the clean Aragorn. Everyone liked him better now. But he was already getting dirty. He decided to go take another bath while they were still close to the river.  
  
Aragorn asked Legolas, "My friend, keep watch while I take a bath."  
  
Legolas gave a delighted smile and replied, "You are learning, my friend!"  
  
Aragorn walked down the riverside and took off his clothes and lay them near the bank. He stepped into the cool water.   
  
Meanwhile, Legolas was patrolling the campgrounds when he heard an alarming noise.  
  
"Wan-tagga!"   
  
"What the Hell?!" exclaimed Legolas.  
  
"Split end!" cried the assailant.  
  
Legolas panicked and shrieked looking around. A rock was hurled at his head and everything went black.  
  
"Emo nemo wah!" Boromir said standing over the radiant elf who was now unconscious.   
  
"Did you hear something, Pip?" Merry asked.  
  
"Hmmm...no," Pippin replied.  
  
"Oh, okay."  
  
Boromir ran down to the stream where Aragorn was bathing and took hid the clothes that were on the bank on a tree.   
  
Boromir jumped out from a bush and commanded again, "Let me wash you!"  
  
Aragorn emitted a scream and ducked down into the water.   
  
Dr. Evil came out from behind a tree and said, "How about no, you crazy Dutch bastard!"  
  
"Have you been watching me the whole time?" screeched Aragorn.  
  
"Shit." replied Dr. Evil. "Daddy didn't love me!" he said as he tripped, then ran into the woods.  
  
  
  
"Someone's got some daddy issues!" said Boromir in a sing-song voice.  
  
By that time, Aragorn had run off naked into the woods to escape Boromir and to find his clothes. The were not where he left them.   
  
He had stopped to rest under a tree when he heard light footsteps approaching. He started to run, but collided into the stranger instead.  
  
"Arwen!?!?!?!" screamed Aragorn.  
  
She looked down. "Ack! You're indecent!" she said covering her eyes.  
  
He looked down and then looked up and covered himself.  
  
"Here, take my cloak!"  
  
He quickly ripped the cloak from her hand and wrapped it around his waist.  
  
She turned around out of respect and was stricken with shock.  
  
"Wait! You're clean!" she gasped and gave him HUGE hug.  
  
He could only wrap one arm around her, so they lost their balance and fell over.  
  
Back around camp, Legolas came to with a bump on his head and was very dizzy. He wandered around, but then remembered what had happened. He raced towards the river and was greeted by a troubling sight.  
  
Aragorn was on top of Arwen wearing nothing but a small piece of cloth around his waist.   
  
Legolas's face twisted in shock as he witnessed the two. "Oh, sorry to interrupt... I... uh..."  
  
"No, no, it's not what it looks like!" cried Arwen from beneath Aragorn.  
  
Then, Boromir runs up to all of them, "Elessar, let me wash you!"  
  
"Hell no, that's DEFINITELY not what it looks like!" Aragorn said panicking.  
  
"That's none of my business!" Legolas said still confused and shocked.  
  
"Get me my clothes!" demanded Aragorn.  
  
"They're right here in this tree," said Boromir.  
  
"Oh. Now everybody turn around! Except you Arwen, you can't. Just close your eyes, honey," said Aragorn aggravated.  
  
He had pulled on most of his clothes, when he spotted someone watching him from behind another tree.  
  
"Ahhhhh! Leave me alone, Dr. Evil!" yelled Aragorn.  
  
But it wasn't Dr. Evil........  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Who could it be? Could it be Gimli? Sam? Gandalf? Or someone else entirely new? Find out in the next chapter..........Dun Dun duuuunnn!   
  
REVIEW OR THERE WON'T BE ANOTHER CHAPTER!! MUAHAHAHAHAHA! 


	7. Mysterious Stalkers and Bite Marks

Chapter 7  
  
By Amy25 and Kermy  
  
We still remember that small fry. Good news, we got a slinky and one twinkie. We had to split the twinkie though. Bad News, the slinky cut me and now I'm bleeding with out a bandage. Damn you slinky! At least the twinkie didn't harm anyone... Well anyway, time to figure out who that darn intruder is! Enjoy!   
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Gandalf, Gimli, Merry, and Pippin were still at camp enjoying the freshly cooked ring-stealing bird that Legolas executed earlier that day. Suddenly, they heard an earsplitting scream coming from the river.   
  
Gandalf and Gimli immediately raced toward the source of the cry of distress and fled into the brush leaving Merry and Pippin by themselves. Merry looked at Pippin.  
  
"Do you think they want their food?" asked Pippin.   
  
"Screw em!" replied Merry.  
  
They took the food hastily.  
  
"Say Pip, do you think they know?" questioned Merry with anxiously.  
  
"Know what, Merry?" replied Pippin innocently.  
  
"Oh, Pippin!" exaggerated Merry, profusely perturbed. "Here, come with me in my flashback!"  
  
"Ok!" complied Pippin. It would his first flashback.  
  
As soon as he said that Mike Myers and Dana Carvey stepped in.  
  
They did spirit fingers up and down from Wayne's World and said "Dudaloo, dudaloo, dudaloo!"  
  
Everything went wavy, and they were back in Chapter 5 when they ran off to go find nourishment.  
  
Merry and Pippin scurried off the trail and into some thick brush. They looked around for a short while before getting acute hunger attacts. Merry spotted a woman with tangled hair and dark circles under her eyes.  
  
"Look Pip, fresh meat with a rat's nest for hair! Let's eat her!" suggested Merry ravenously hungry.  
  
"Ok, Merry," replied Pippin. "No one's around."  
  
The hobbits snuck up to her, and attacked her from behind. They grabbed a hold of her leg and both gnawed at it viciously. She struggled for a while, broke free of their chewing, and stumbled away.  
  
Wayne and Garth did the dudaloo thing again, this time with Merry and Pippin doing it too. They come back to the present.  
  
"Hey, flashbacks are fun!" says Pippin, waving his fingers wildly.   
  
Dr. Evil comes out from behind a tree. "See, you did do that, mmm hmm."  
  
Merry and Pippin stare at him blankly.  
  
"Shit."   
  
He walks back into the brush silently.  
  
Merry and Pippin finish all the bird and sit quietly for a minute.  
  
Suddenly, Pippin realizes something, "Oh, crap! They might have found that girl we were munching on."  
  
Merry's eyes widen. "We can't let that happen. Come on, let's go!"  
  
They scamper off into the brush where Gandalf and Gimli had run off earlier.  
  
Meanwhile when all this is happening, Frodo and Sam were having their own bizarre ordeal.   
  
Frodo had fallen fast asleep under a tree.  
  
He was silently dreaming about things unknown, making soft movements of contentment every once in a while.  
  
In his tranquility, Frodo never thought that he didn't only have Sam pursuing him, but Gollum also.   
  
He was awoken from his slumber by distraught and flustered voices speaking furtively not too far off.   
  
When Frodo was finally completely conscious, he recognized one of the voices. He whirled his head around looking for the unmistakable identity of the voice, but could not discern any faces.   
  
He knew Sam's voice when he heard it. But who was the other person? Who ever it was had a bad lisp and slurred their S's.   
  
[Through Aragorn's stalker's eyes...]  
  
She'd been following the Fellowship for days, watching Aragorn, obsessing over him. 'He will soon be mine. Oh yes, he will be mine.'   
  
She came out of her drooling and noticed that he had noticed her too.  
  
'They saw me!', she thought. She turned and ran as fast she could with her new prized possessions in hand.   
  
She looked at the stolen property with an evil and longing grin, sniffing them and running them across her face and tangled hair.  
  
Her legs were still in pain from those curly-haired midgets that attacked her.  
  
She staggered only about 20 feet when she ran into a long white stick and everything went black.  
  
Gandalf looked down at what had collided into his staff.   
  
He saw a hideous, dirty girl lying unconscious on the ground with men's clothes tightly gripped in her hands.  
  
Gimli screamed and yelled raising his axe, "Oh my, it's Swamp Thang!"   
  
Gandalf smacked him with his staff and said, "We're not in the swamp, genius!" Gandalf was not in the mood for all these shenanigans, let alone Gimli. Plus, his Depends made a squishy sound whenever he walked!   
  
"Hey, wait a minute! Aren't these Aragorn's clothes?" observed Gandalf confused.  
  
Gandalf tried to get the clothes from the thief's grasp, but her fingers were locked tightly.  
  
"I think they are, except that repulsive face looks familiar!" said Gimli baffled.  
  
A light bulb goes off in Gandy's head.  
  
"Oh gracious me, it's Eowyn. I couldn't tell from all that dirt on her face." said Gandalf proud of himself.   
  
"And what are these marks on her legs?" wonders Gimli.  
  
"They look like...bite marks," says Gandalf discombobulated.  
  
Suddenly Eowyn wakes up and realizes that Gandalf is trying to take her cherished stolen goods.  
  
"No! You'll never take these!" Eowyn shouted holding up the articles of clothing before darting off back into the woods.  
  
"Riiiiiiiight," stated Gandalf as he squirmed in his soiled underpants.  
  
"Skank," Gimli said under his breath.  
  
Merry and Pippin are ran through the woods and bumped into a large, out of place tree.  
  
"Well, Hellooooooo. I am TreeeeeBeard. Do you come from the circus, midgets?" greeted the tree.  
  
"Holy crap, Pippin," says Merry in surprise. "It's a talking tree!"  
  
Treebeard looked offended. "Treeee? I'm noooo treeeee."  
  
Pippin raised his eyebrows. "Um, yeah. I think you are."  
  
"Noooo, I'm noooooot," Treebeard claimed.  
  
"Okay. Leaves, branches, bark, roots, TREE," Merry pointed out.  
  
Treebeard took a long moment to survey himself.  
  
"I think he's in denial, Merry," whispered Pippin.  
  
"Heeeeeey," says Treebeard in a sudden revelation. "I aaaaaam a treeeeeee."  
  
"No shit," Merry muttered.  
  
"I ammmm haaaaaaaaving a baaaaaaaaaad daaaaaaay. Fiiiiiiirst, sooooomeoooooone puts clothes on meeeeeee, then I find oooooooout thaaaaaaat I'm a treeeeeeee!" distressed Treebeard.  
  
"Did you see our friends?" inquired Pippin.  
  
He pondered for a moment.  
  
"Weeeeell, there waaaaaas soooome ooooooodd fellooooooow whoooooo waaaaas taaaaalking in Gibberrrrriiiiiish." replied Treebeard pointing behind him.  
  
"Okay, thanks," said Merry, as the two hobbits sped off.  
  
"Nooooooooooooo proooooooobleeeeeeem," said Treebeard, but they were long gone.   
  
They found the whole group together except for Sam and Frodo.  
  
Aragorn was wearing only bright red boxers that said, "Your immortality starts here."   
  
Arwen decided to go with them because she fancied that pair anyway.  
  
They found Frodo and Samwise a few minutes later, and The Fellowship of the Ring continued on. 


End file.
